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Being aware and appreciating that there are three primary sexual arousal styles (by order of use: partner interaction, self-entrancement and role enactment) is helpful to the man and the couple. Partner-interaction arousal focuses on the partner. This is the sexual pattern seen in movies and celebrated in love songs and is the arousal style used by most young men. You are active, eyes open, looking at your partner, talkative (romantic or erotic), engaged and energetic. In this sexual style, each partners arousal plays off the others. Self-entrancement arousal focuses on your body and relaxation as the source of arousal. You close your eyes, go within, are quiet and receptive and passively take in pleasure. Regular, stylized touch gradually builds arousal. The focus is on physical and emotional relaxation, being receptive and responsive to touch, feeling saturated with pleasure and slowly building arousal.
Role-enactment arousal focuses on external stimuli-role-play, fantasy, experimentation and unpredictability. Examples include being turned on by your partners sexy lingerie, role-playing erotic scenarios like virgin-prostitute or first pick-up, acting out a scenario from a movie or erotic novel, having sex in new or high-risk places, using toys (vibrator, paddle, bondage), watching an X-rated video. The focus is on experimentation and novelty to build eroticism. Contrary to traditional sexual socialization that partner interaction is for men, self-entrancement for women, and role enactment for kinky couples, the truth is that these are all legitimate paths to arousal for both men and women. Couples are capable of blending arousal styles for sexual variety and enhanced satisfaction in long-term relationships. You can choose and vary which arousal styles add to your sexual satisfaction.
Take a moment to think about three sexual scenarios you would enjoy. Ask your partner to do the same. Prod yourselves to be creative and flexible by allowing only one of the three to include intercourse. Then take turns sharing these scenarios, alternating one at a time. Be careful not to judge, but enjoy a variable, flexible, couple sexuality.
Five Purposes of Sex Are Integrated Into Your Couple Relationship
It is not unusual for each partner to have different purposes (pleasure, intimacy, tension reduction, self-esteem, procreation) for an encounter. For example, a man may seek sex for orgasm and a tension reducer, whereas a woman might value sex for emotional connection and sense of desirability. Realize and accept that people have sex for multiple and fluctuating purposes. Rather than getting into arguments and power struggles, this understanding will enhance partner cooperation and sexual satisfaction. In addition, you and your partner may pursue different goals at different times. One day sex may be motivated primarily by testosterone and for relief of workday pressures and 3 days later for pleasure and closeness. Most men, but not all, pursue each of these five purposes at one time or another in their lives. Often, multiple purposes are pursued simultaneously.
The priority of one purpose over another can fluctuate significantly from time to time even day to day. For example, you may engage in sex with 40% of the purpose to feel pleasure, 40% for loving feelings and 20% for self-esteem. Five days later, sex may be 50% for stress reduction, 20% for love, 20% for pleasure and 10% for self-esteem. Often your purposes are different from your partners. Accepting that each person has sex for multiple and fluctuating purposes is a way to break the traditional male-female power struggle in which the woman thinks the man wants sex for selfish reasons and the man thinks the woman values affection but not sex. Clarifying the sexual agenda, developing partner congruence and cooperation are important.
Enjoying flexible, variable couple sexuality includes intimate intercourse as well as erotic, non-intercourse and sensual, backup scenarios. Good-Enough Sex involves pleasuring that flows to intercourse in 85% of encounters. A core concept is that you want pleasuring/eroticism to move into an erotic flow (including your response to her arousal) and transitioning to intercourse at high levels of arousal. Avoid switching to intercourse as soon as youre erect.
Cooperate with your partner to maintain a regular sensual, playful, erotic and intercourse connection. This makes it easy for you to accept that not every sexual experience needs to end in intercourse. Flexibility and variability will enhance your sexual desire, not inhibit it. Manual, oral, rubbing and vibrator stimulation are excellent ways to experience high arousal and orgasm for one or both of you. In truth, the majority of women find it easier to be orgasmic with manual and oral stimulation. Orgasm reached through erotic, non-intercourse stimulation can be satisfying for your partner and for you.
A key to intimate sexuality is awareness that there are a number of ways to give and receive pleasure rather than feeling anxious, panicking and trying to force your penis into her vagina. Stay actively involved in the sexual give and take. You can request oral stimulation to enhance erotic flow or focus on stimulating her so you can piggyback your arousal on hers. Feel free to take a break from intercourse and relax or talk together. Your erection may subside, but there is more than one erection in you if you stay relaxed. Dont panic, fearing that your erection is lost forever. Relax and refocus with gentle touch and your erection will easily return. Sometimes an encounter will not involve erotic response or intercourse. Rather than feeling frustrated or withdrawing, either of you can say that this will not be a sexual night, but that you want to feel warm, caring and sensual. Ending the encounter in a genuine, positive and close manner allows you to enjoy affectionate and sensual touching and intimacy. This motivates you to have a sexual encounter in the next one to three days when you have the time and energy for an experience that integrates intimacy, pleasuring and eroticism.
The Good-Enough Sex model focuses on what characterizes healthy and satisfying sex for a couple. One feature is mutual, cooperative generosity. This involves each partner giving pleasure to the other even when you are not in the mood. When both partners understand that in real life, they will not always be in the same mood or place, they can generously give to the other with the understanding their generosity will be reciprocated another time. With this give to get generosity, they balance pleasing each other, providing the physical interaction that each values, giving one time, getting another time, in a mutually cooperative, sexual relationship.
Valuing Variable Flexible Sexual Experiences and Abandoning the Need for Perfect Performance Inoculates the Man and Couple Against Sexual Dysfunction by Overcoming Performance Pressure, Fears of Failure and Rejection
The reality for emotionally and sexually healthy couples is that the quality of sex varies. The male myth portrayed in the romantic love/passionate sex media (including R and X-rated videos) is that each sexual experience involves perfect performance. What nonsense. In truth, both scientific findings and clinical experience show that emotionally satisfied, sexually functional couples have a variable, flexible sexual response. This means that about 35–45% of encounters are very satisfying for both partners, another 20–25% are better for one (usually the man) than the other and 15–20% are okay but not remarkable. The most important information is that 5–15% of sexual encounters are unsatisfying or dysfunctional. The Good-Enough Sex model accepts that among satisfied couples, up to 15% of the time their sexual encounters will not flow to intercourse. Rather than thinking of these as failures, accept them as part of normal variability. Instead of apologizing, you can transition to a backup scenario eithera warm, sensual scenario or an erotic, non-intercourse scenario leading to orgasm for you, her or both. The Good-Enough Sex approach encourages relationship satisfaction with an acceptance of variability in the quality of sex grounded on positive, realistic expectations. This serves the man and couple well and inoculates them against sexual problems with aging. Accepting Good-Enough Sex is often easier for the woman than for the man, but it promotes sexual satisfaction for both.
The essence of sexuality is giving and receiving pleasure oriented touching, which is the foundation of healthy sexual function. We prefer the term function to performance. Function means awareness of the natural sexual response of desire, arousal, orgasm and satisfaction. Pleasure and function go together and are promoted by psychosexual skills that include feeling responsible for your own sexuality, accepting positive attitudes and feelings about your body and sexuality, enjoying both self entrancement and partner interaction arousal, viewing your partner as your intimate, erotic friend, enjoying give to get stimulation and developing erotic scenarios and techniques.
In contrast, pressure for perfect sexual performance (sex on demand) can poison your sexual experience. A vivid example is of a couple dealing with infertility who have intercourse on a very rigid schedule in order to maximize their potential to conceive. Over time, the majority of men will develop erectile dysfunction, ejaculatory inhibition or inhibited desire. The on-demand, pass–fail intercourse performance takes the fun out of sex. Sex becomes all about anticipatory anxiety, tense, performanceoriented intercourse and frustration, embarrassment and avoidance. The healthy cycle is positive sexual anticipation, pleasure oriented sex and a regular rhythm of desire, pleasure and satisfaction.
When pleasure becomes as important as function, the crucial role of touch becomes clearer. While countless men believe that they have a need for sex, a major part of this feeling is the deep need for touch. In the 1950s–1960s, a number of studies documented the fact that our bodies actually experience skin hunger, the craving for touch. Recent controlled studies suggest that touch reduces stress, diminishes irritation, frustration and anger, consoles and comforts, and reassures or soothes fear. We have a profound need for touch and sex is a common way men seek touching. Touching soothes loneliness. Touch can be pleasurable even if it is not sexualized. Appreciate the value of each kind and level of touching, balance the multiple kinds of touch and blend touch desires with your partner. This Good-Enough Sex focus on pleasure adds a powerful dimension to your sexual relationship that is not a part of the old male performance standard.